Elder Baird's Something About Socks: WEEK 44 DAAN: Did you miss me?

Forewarning. This is looooooooong. And deeeeeeeep. I just feel like I should tell my story and I'm telling it all. So yah. I will include some tldrs so we all good! But you have been warned.

Tl;dr

I'm Spencer.

I'm in Taiwan

I'm in quarantine

I talk about my life story for the past three months

I am cooking food for everyone

There's a video at the end that's fun and explains life in quarantine.

I love being back with Elder Broderick (from the MTC)

And Elder Doobs is a beast!

Love you

Don't let Lady Rona getcha

If you're making it to here....

Good luck.

You know I'm back! Like I never left! (but I have left) Another sprint, another step (but not outside) Another day, another breath (in quarantine) been chasing dreams, but I never slept (I've slept a lot)

And that's enough with that song because I'd rather talk about me although thank you Macklemore for letting me use his music. Me and the Mack go way back yah know?

Anyways!!! I AM BACK! I've speant along time deciding what to title this email, still not sure what I'm gonna end up going with, I'm sure you guys will know though. But here's my currents ideas.

-third times the charm!

-that week that was shorter than 7 days because it was 6

-did you miss me (cause Sherlocks da best)

-I've learned that I don't want to be the mom of three teenage boys

-the email where we see if people love me cause it's gonna be long cause I have nothing to do.

The last one is a bit of a mouthful... But it does paint an accurate picture. So please send in which one you think will be the best and that will be our email subject line for this week!

So yah, let's talk about my life real quick. I know I've been pretty silent the past while, I think I only wrote one email during my mission and in that email I told everyone that I was going to Washington DC! I was super excited to go leaving August 17th and I was way happy about that.

But that wasn't God's plan for me.

A couple weeks later I get a call saying that I will be leaving to Taiwan on July 2nd.

Needless to say I was pretty confused.

*but Spencer why weren't you excited?*

(side note it's abouta get deep and stuff I guess. You've been warned)

Okay that's Elder Baird to you, and to be honest. I don't know. I guess I'd just been kind of thrown around like a rag doll. Riding the winds of the will of God, and they were rather turbulent.

But I think that I just didn't know what was going on anymore and was in shock with everything. So yah, I was just kind of like... Well this is happening now.

But I just kept going on with life in Utah. I had gotten a job with my dad's cousin and I was really enjoying life. A lot actually.

And all my friends were getting ready to head back to college and I was like, hey that sounds kind of nice. I've already served right? Why do I need to go back? It was a great 7 months! Maybe that's enough?

And I had this battle in myself for the whole 3 months I was home. And it just made me spiral. I stopped doing all those great habits that I had gained on my mission. And I started to take up bad habits that I had before my mission.

And that's when the depression kicked in. I was going against everything that I had worked to become as a missionary. I was failing as a person. Why would I want to go back. I didn't even feel worthy to go back.

I felt no excitement in going back out on a mission. I felt no fear. No nervousness. I felt nothing. I was empty.

So I pretended to be happy. I told everyone I was going back out. Told everyone that I wanted to be a missionary. Told everyone that this is what I wanted. But they were lies. I was just going through the motions. I was just going back cause that's what I was supposed to do.

But I felt nothing. No feelings at all. I hated what I had become and felt like my mission, just a couple weeks prior, was years in the past. Everything that I had learned was gone.

And it sucked.

A lot.

And I knew what I should do, 'turn to the Lord and stuff'. But I'd done that! I'd done that and what happened? When I was happy on my mission and finally felt like I could do this for the 2 years and felt okay, he took it all the way. I was thrown out of Taiwan and into the depression of home. I was mad. I had a right though? Right? I wanted to be out, I finally felt like I was doing good. And if God didn't want ME to be out then I would take it into MY hands and I just wanted to be done.

Me me me, mine mine mine.

And so as I was stuck in the throws of depression and hating who I had become and being mad at God for the injustices that I felt. My parents helped me get into counseling.

And that started to change things a little. I started to learn that I was stressed out. (how stupid do you have to be to not realize you are under stress? (apparently as stupid as me)) but we started working on how I could relieve stress in healthy ways and not in bad habits.

And things started to change. I started to study again. Started to do those things that I should be doing. But I wasn't feeling anything. Oh yah I was going on my mission and all, but I didn't want to. I had no desire or excitement! But I wanted it. I wanted to feel something, anything.

And so I finally got to the point where I was just on my knees feeling so lost. And just asking God for help and asking him why I hadn't gotten any. And then suddenly I felt like I needed to own what had happened.

And so I did. I told God that I was going to go on this mission and that it was My decision! I owned it. I owned every mistake that I had made during my 3 months back home. I told God that I had made the choices, and that I was sorry for them. And I told him that I had made the choice to serve him. It wasn't cause I was supposed to do it. Or because my parents wanted me to or my mission president wanted me to. I was going to do it becuase I made the decision.

And I felt a tiny bit of peace. Just a sliver. But enough to know it was right. And I hoped that things would change.

And it took awhile. I mean like being home was fun and we did cool things and I got to hang out with my friends and that was great! But I felt really empty.

And so I kind of just kept going. Wasn't going to DC anymore, fine I could roll with it.

So that's when I got to the day of being set apart as a misisonary to head back to Taiwan. And I woke up nervous! I was so excited to feel something! So I got set apart and went to bed, fully expecting to go to Taiwan the next day.

And so of course in just the fashion of my life, I woke up to find out that I was in fact not going to Taiwan because they were requiring a negative Covid test. So my stake president called and released me.

I was a missionary for about 12 hours! Go me! I think that's a record gonna be honest.

So we scrambled to find me a testing site and then I got the back of my throat prodded through entry of the nose and loved that a lot. So good. Yum. Lol.

So I was actually really happy though cause I got to watch Hamilton which was amazing! So actually a great blessing.

Then the next we found out that Taiwan no longer required the Covid test and so I left on Monday!

So I got set apart again as a missionary. So yes. I have been a missionary 3 times in one year. That's pretty neat. And I said goodbye to my parents and left on a jet plane.

I landed in California and hooked up with the other missionaries there and that really was a great experience! I felt so much joy seeing them again!

And then this lady next to us started to talk to us and it was pretty cool because I got to share my testimony with her and a scripture and just talk to her about God. And I was like, "Hey! Maybe you can do this. This feels normal. This feels right. And so I was like, "Hey! I'm feeling happy about this! That's new, so I guess this is good!"

And it was great.

However it soon became clear that she was only talking to us because she liked white guys and now she wants to hook up in Taiwan sooooooo........ Yah. But I felt good sharing with her!

So I got on the plane. Took some sleep drugs. And passed out.

That's when I landed in Taiwan! I was back. I saw my mission president and that was awesome! And then we were quickly shuttled into a cab that took us into our house where I am now living.

So currently I am living with Elder Broderick and Elder Dobbs. Taiwan requires that we self isolate for 14 days upon country entrance. So we are stuck in the house for 14 days. Not only that but we are stuck in our rooms for 14 days.

My room includes the kitchen which means that I am in charge of food, 3 meals a day. For 3 teenage boys. I cook it and deliver it to their doors. And then I do dishes.

It's very hard. But I talk about this all in a video that I sent about my life in quarantine so be sure to check that out!

So I got to my new house and started to unpack. About halfway through I just started to lose it. I got depressed and started to have an anxiety attack. I felt so lost and far from home and I didn't know what I was doing here. I just had left everything that I knew, again, to come back out to something so incredibly difficult.

So I sat there and cried. For awhile. Just depressed out of my mind. Then I sat there and prayed. And that's when the first miracle happened.

I had the prompting to read my old journal which I had brought. So I pulled it out, and in the same pocket was a birthday card from my cousin Lily. And I was so desperate for something that I just kind of ripped it open a little early.

And in it I found such a great letter and it touched me so much and was just amazing! And at the end there was a scripture attached. Psalms 91:11

So I read the scripture.

And my earth shattered.

This was what I needed. Right then. Right in my moment of need God was there in the form of a birthday card that my AMAZING cousin had decided to write. She didn't have to do that. But through her God brought me a miracle and I am sooooooo grateful for her and what an example she is to me in following the spirit.

And so the tears fell again. But this time in gratitude. My prayer had been answered. This scripture was everything.

And so I went on with my day.

Was I still sad? Yeah. Was I still anxious? Yep. But did I know God was with me? Yes I did.

And so after making an amazing thing of spaghetti and meatballs I went to bed full of gratitude.

Then I woke up to an anxiety attack at 3:30 the next morning.

I managed to force myself back to sleep around 6, but by the time 7 came around I wasn't in the best mood. The depression was back. All the questions and fears were there again. I knew God was with me because of the miracle that had occoured yesterday but I felt alone again.

And as I listened to conference talks Elder Anderson's talk from this most recent general conference played. It's the one about spiritually defining memories. And I thought to myself, yah I had one yesterday. And others. Better keep track of those. But like, I'd love another. But.... Ugh...

And that's when miracle 2 happened.

As part of Zone Conference prep we were to read the April 2018 talk Am I a Child of God? By Elder Brian K. Taylor.

And I got three paragraphs through when I read this line

"I invite each of us to open our hearts to the Holy Ghost, who “beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God.”"

And I lost it again. Tears everywhere. Again.

Because at that exact moment the spirt told me that I was a child of God. And that's what I needed right then. I needed to understand my divine identity! I knew that God was with me right then. I knew he had been with me through those 3 hellish months at home. And I knew that he would be with me the rest of my mission.

And so I just sat there crying thanking God and trying to understand what was happening.

But I needed to know I was a son of God. And that he loved me and was watching out for me just like each of you!

And that was just such an amazing miracle and was a spiritually defining memory.

Which led me to day three. I knew that God was watching out and that he was my father. But I still didn't understand why I was out on my mission. And that brought with it..... You guessed it! A lot of anxiety.

And that's when miracle 3 happened.

So I was studying in the missionary standards when I stumbled across the idea that, "missions prepare us to be lifelong disciples of Christ"

And I sat there and thought, is that really what I want? And then I sat there some more and thought, well yes, it is. But why?

And then the spirit went ham and I just started writing and thought about how Jesus had paid for my life with his blood. My life wasn't my own. It had been bought by its creator. And I was just so grateful for that, and that's when I realized that I need to be on my mission because I am grateful for what God has done for me and that my life is his because of that. And I could fight that if I wanted, but without him I am nothing. But with him I can become even like he is.

And so I found my purpose. Gratitude. Such a seemingly small thing but so incredibly important!

But it was there. And I realized that I would have hard days and I might still be uncertain and have depressive moments and anxious thoughts. But I was here for God.

And so yah. 3 crazy miracles in 3 less than crazy days. But each one led to the other in preparing me for what I want to be a great last year of my mission!

Sadly, day 4 didn't bring anything that big